Meaningless Terms I've Always Hated...

One of the great things about the AMLAW 100 tier firms is their uniformity. Face it - what we have here is an organization of type A, top-of-the-class graduates of Top 20+ law schools all gathered together to use their brains in figuring out better ways of documenting commercial and economic relationships - and all - or mostly - for the sake of the profit-motive. An associate joins to work on the deals generated by the partners, learn something, pay off some loans, mature, and make the kind of friends that might help him/her in a business of some sort, or make partner (same difference!). Nothing could be more simple then that. For those who like this stuff - its a wonderful way of making a living. Why then - in the midst of all this economic reality - does the community most responsible for advancing the training and interest of this select group indulge itself in the use cliches or other meaningless expressions in attempting to attract lateral candidates? Remember - these candidates are being asked to understand and document multi-multi million dollar deals and we expect them to be swayed by blather? Why not tell the unvarnished truth? (Bonus: It tends to be more believable!!) Let us, therefore - in the interests of increased clarity, less hilarity, and greater reality - pledge to forever eliminate certain meaningless expressions from our lateral-hiring lexicon. Here are a few to start. Others are sure to follow...

1. "We are/are not a Lifestyle firm - Whether used affirmatively (we are - as if!) or negatively (we're not - reality!!) this term should be the first to be expunged. Are we here to work and learn or are we here to play?

2. "Why join us? Well because we're [FIRM NAME] of course"! - There is one firm, several years back, that was particularly notorious for this unusual level of arrogance. Since then, it has experienced a corresponding amount of bad publicity thanks to a combination of (a) mismanaged associate layoffs during the last recession; (b) an unusually disguntled associate group spreading the news of their discontent; (c) significant partner and practice group losses and (d) a generally badly run lateral hiring process and (e) an obviously botched marketing and public relations initiative resulting in the aforementioned bad publicity. The result, of course, is that this firm has become a tempting target for Lawcruiters everywhere.

3. "We pay Market Bonuses" - This is the last attempt by law firms to preserve a lockstep cartel over associate compensation and this attempt is fading fast in favor of merit based bonuses - the criteria for which are simply put: Are you profitable? Are you unusually talented? Do you have significant client-development potential? If yes then you get a bonus. These are coming faster then we think.